I am so much more calculated and cautious than most people initially realize- I think about doing something for a week before I make a move, I think about it for a month before I make a new Pinterest board or section, and I am very intentional about what I do and don't actually say on this blog, and exactly how I say it.
I was very blessed to literally not have regular, unadulterated access to the internet growing up, and my being a perpetual fangirl and reader and asker of endless questions meant that I've always spent my time online away from the kind of spaces I might've found myself in as a teenager with a eating disorder. I've never spent a huge amount of time in online spaces where people traded eating disorder tips and encouraged each other to get sicker and sicker, together, and I've very rarely sought them out. I'd always endlessly compared myself to other people's bodies growing up, so it felt like too much to not be finally free of that when I spent time online for the most part (REMEMBER HOW PINTEREST USED TO BE, LIKE LITERALLY WHAT THE HELL EVEN WAS THAT!!!!?!?!?!?!?). The last thing I want is for my blog to become one of those places to somebody else.
I've had Anorexia since I was 7 or 8, and now I'm nearing 33- that's a very long time to be starving yourself for. I've been hangry for literally years, lmaoooo 💀✨💀✨💀✨💀✨💀!!!!! I'm a very jokey and optimistic person in real life, but I don't want my blog to make it seem like I'm doing okay, that my eating disorder is manageable, that I'm most certainly going to somehow pull through- because none of that is true, and especially not right now. I don't know if I'm going to pull through, and I'm only half-heartedly trying to stay half-alive with no real motivation or reason to do so, so I am just stuck in a space where I sometimes briefly considering stopping all of this, but there's literally no reason to, so I don't.
I'm honestly pissed as hell and horrified to be alive during The Age of Ozempic- I would never use that shit because
# 1, I am not medically in need of it, and everyone who actually needs medication should have first priority access to it at all times under all circumstances. I also have diabetic loved ones, and we all live in a world where there are people with medical conditions that require these medications to treat them, so I say this with my whole chest- fuck every single rich person taking Ozempic and such just to be skinny when people who have an actual medical need for it can't access the literal medication they need, because of the exact shit that rich people's money and the callused heartlessness of Big Pharma and the American Pharmaceutical Industry allows them to do. Literally the very least you monsters could do is feel an ounce of shame for doing this shit and actively hurting people in need. I'm so repulsed by all of this at every level.
# 2, I already have Anorexia in my brain- I don't need it from the vein, thanks. Also, I don't like needles- I have to take a breath and look away and prattle on about something every time I get a shot, I'm not about to voluntarily stab myself to get skinnier redundantly when I already have the natural version of Anorexia organically existing in my brain- I don't need the manufactured version of it as well on top of that. It's very specifically horrifying to watch people calling GLP-1s "miracle drugs" when I have nearly never been able to be normal about eating, and now people are injecting themselves with things to rewire their brains into doing the exact same thing. This is not something anyone should ever wish on themselves, or encourage, or pursue- I would be more horrified by this if I weren't already existing in a space where I've already been stuck in this for so long that is feels like nothing to simply carry on like this.
# 3, If things are this bad for me now with so many side effects from my run-of-the-mill Anorexia in my brain, I would not be surprised if I simply died if I started taking a GLP-1. It's literally that serious.
I don't even know what the fuck I weigh, but it's clearly not enough for me to even be able to handle over the counter medicine- I get super high just taking any kind of medicine at all, so I largely only take things at home now where I can dizzily stumble around safely. I'm not interested in dying right now- I have vague future Bestie plans, and a bunch of pieces I need to finish writing first. Like, if I were actively dying, I would genuinely turn to God Herself and be like, "sis, I need some time to finish writing my sad little poems- pls, Mother <3" And God would be like, "sashay away" and send my chaotic little ass back down to earth, I HOPE <3!!!
I'm not happy to be alive at a time when I had felt both relieved and very alone to be silently battling Anorexia, with decades of this misery under my belt of this all alone, and now suddenly eating disorders have come back into Vogue, and so is all of the nonsense of bodyshaming, orthorexia, the pursuit of thinness at all costs, famous women who were already thin suddenly becoming even thinner to the point that we can all see their bones and nonsensically argue about whether or not we should even acknowledge that at all. All of this is uniquely horrifying and terrible in such specific ways to me that I've literally just been spending more and more time offline, because this shit is everywhere. I think my own tendencies and thought patterns and deeply-rooted thinking are torture enough without adding all of this extra noise to my already Anorexia-addled brain space, don't you?? I'm trying to be more intention and spending more time doing specific online things like streaming my boy Bestie Windser instead of unintentionally doomscrolling. I think it's helped, but there are still photos everywhere of Ariana Grande with the exact same suddenly jutting shoulder and collarbone situation as me right now underneath my pleather jackets and mocknecks, which is a very specific level of... well, that's an existential crisis for another day, babes.
This blog should be a place where other people can clearly see the lack of logic behind all of this, especially considering how far down the rabbit hole I am now, because I have lived here for so long that I've already changed the wallpaper at least eight times- trust me when I say that you don't want this. I would give anything to make sure that nobody else ever went through what I go through every single day. My reality is not one that anyone else should want, where someone else illogically thinks that you can starve yourself to get smaller and get away with it scott-free. You literally cannot- the human body is not made to operate under the massive amount of stress that eating disorders of all kinds place on the body, especially not starvation, which clearly none of you motherfuckers (societal plural noun) are talking about enough. Anorexia puts your body through the stress of literal starvation- that's what this really is, your body freaking out while you voluntarily kill it for whatever reason, and your body's desperate attempts to keep itself as alive and breathing as possible even as it slowly shuts down.
I can't even think or see or walk straight at some point every single day, I can't figure out how to make my hair not look like shit because it's always falling out in massive clumps and largely untamable because I am so malnourished all the time, I can't get myself to finish an entire meal no matter how much I enjoy it, I have to go back and edit my own work like four separate times before I can hit "post" or show it to someone else, because I'm not clear-headed enough to just be able to write and edit things at the same time straight through once, because I don't fucking eat enough to be able to use my own brain effectively and think clearly the way that a person who actually eats normally and regularly does.
There is literally no aspect of my life that hasn't been poisoned and destroyed by my eating disorder- to pretend otherwise would be the most malicious of lies. I don't want someone who has limited experience and understanding of Anorexia and eating disorders, or someone who is actively combatting the same battle I have been running out of steam and will to keep fighting, or anyone ever, really, to read my blog about my eating disorder and think for a second that this isn't anything other than an insidious disease that's taken everything from me. I've told my closest friends in private spaces repeatedly that "I swear that my eating disorder has taken a toll on my very soul" because of how it's invaded and destroyed every aspect of my life, every facet of me- does that sound like it's worth it to you, because I sure fucking hope not. I would do anything to take this away from somebody else, regardless of the fact that I am very clearly unable to pull myself out of this. I don't even know if I can anymore- I certainly can't do it alone.
I'm barely even here more than actually present in my own life. Sometimes I feel like I am trudging through the dregs of someone else's script about someone else's life instead of living an actual life of my own. I'm so out of it that there are often times where nothing quite feels real because I'm literally starving, and my body is barely able to keep itself going on such paltry amounts of food. I can't even quite think straight enough to be able to fully concentrate most of the time, because it fucks up your body AND your brain when you're starving yourself. I don't want anyone to ever read this blog and think "oh it's just an inconsequential thing that's worth the price to get skinnier." It really isn't- I don't even feel like I'm an actual human being anymore. I am involuntarily disassociating because I'm so fucking hungry like all the time. I am constantly trying not to throw up after having a solitary sip of a drink. I'm trying to remember that real life is actually real and wondering how I walked into another room and when all the time- that's not the kind of life anyone should aspire to live for themselves. This is like a perpetual madness that a younger version of me cursed me with, without knowing what she was actually getting into- I didn't know any of this would happen to me, and I just think that other people should know in advance so that they can avoid it entirely.
There is no part of this that has ever been worth it, and I am not going to let my blog posts about my eating disorder be anything other than grim and disheartening and unsettling to read when I'm talking about my actual Anorexia experiences and how it's poisoned my life, because that's how people should feel about eating disorders instead of embracing them. I wish that someone had bothered to meaningfully intervene when I was a child, a teenager, and stopped me from turning into an adult who can't even find the will to just do one of the most basic human needs to stay alive- actually eat.
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." How about the taste of feeling like you're actually alive?? Because I'm forgetting how that used to feel more and more all the time now. Nobody should ever feel like that at any point ever, and I very obviously feel very strongly that need to do everything in my power to steer people away from eating disorders right now. This is not something that's worth it at all, to literally slowly kill yourself to be thin. It's also about more than just that for me, but feeling actually alive is infinitely better than being and feeling skinny.
May no one ever read this blog and feel as if any of this has ever been worth it, because it absolutely has not- this is a cursed coping mechanism that now serves as a replacement for living an actual life, because I'm literally too physically exhausted at all times to do much otherwise. Who would ever want that for themselves or somebody else???
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