Is there anything more classically me than abruptly rebranding my abandoned blog to talk about my decades-long eating disorder, then posting absolutely nothing for months?? (Mind you, I've got a couple dozen drafts lying around in an entirely different app- several of them are ready to go, and I just haven't posted them yet 💀✨💅✨💀)
It's almost strange to feel like I need to formally acknowledge this online, because I feel like this should already be an established fact, but I am very much chaotic and unpredictable as a person- like, good luck predicting what I'm going to do next, because not even ✨I✨ know 😁✨💀✨💀 I usually only engage in low-stakes chaos (like guess who's suddenly scrubbing the toilet til it gleams at midnight with a migraine, or obsessively binging the prequel show for scary remake movies I've never actually seen), but things have been so chaotic independently of me, it makes me look tame and boring by comparison.
Everything in my personal life has been entirely upended several times this year, to the point that I've spent more time trying to be still instead of squirming around while being forced to sit with uncertainty, my personal most hated opp of all time. ((( entire crowd boos ))) ((( ya girl is hurling expired produce at the stage and half-yelling about the importance of composting, while clearly just heckling )))
It's always been my most uncomfortable place to be, and the first thing that would immediately make Younger Este® and Young Tayla™ just 🏃♀️💨✨bolt✨💨🏃♀️ at the first sign of possible bad vibes. But this year, there has been nowhere I could go where I could ever truly outrun anything that's suddenly happened to me, and being forced to actually reckon with perpetual uncertainty in so many aspects of my life at the exact same time has turned me into a more accepting person- not so much of other people (I hope that people who actually know me have always felt like I'm unconditionally supportive and loving as a friend and bestie and acquaintance and partner- and if not, let's talk about how to fix that immediately, Boo Boo My Love 😘💛💛💛) this time, but of life throwing absolute bullshit my way, and not having the option to stay frozen, or run away, or ignore the entire existence of the issue by engaging in distraction, or pretending that the problem simply doesn't exist instead of actually grappling with whatever lay in front of me.
I've always squirmed and whined and super casually lost my mind about uncertainty and chaos that didn't originate from me, and I still absolutely take a moment to still do all of that- but I've also now found myself trying harder to find a self-generated sense of inner peace, and come to simply accept people and situations exactly as they are. Sometimes there are no answers, sometimes the answers just majorly suck, sometimes things magically work out, as if predestined by fate- but the most important thing now that is very new to me is that I am better able to accept and grapple with not knowing what the hell is actually even going on, or whatever the fuck is about to happen next.
The big non-secret is this: I take a moment to actually allow myself go feel my feelings, regardless of how uncomfortable or unbearable it may be; gently reassure myself, try to logically find a path forward, make backup plans for my backup plans (shout out to perpetual anxiety, my least favorite bitch on this block), reassure myself again that I've done all I can about whatever it is that is or isn't happening, and then deal with whatever happens next as best as I can at that exact moment in time, giving myself the gift of grace that I may or may not need moving forward.
I have wasted ✨WAY✨ too much of my little life away, absolutely agonized by the mistakes and misteps of a past me. And somehow, in the middle of trying to make peace with how other people's decisions and other things that exist entirely outside of my control have upended my life over and over again, I've found it in me to not just be more accepting of uncertainty, but to also extend more grace to myself.
I am always trying so, ✨SO✨ hard to always, ✨ALWAYS✨ be there for my friends, to always be as supportive as possible to the point of openly delusional hero worship/Stanning, to always word vomit sincere compliments and excellent jokes, always be as understanding as is humanly possible, and I've hardly ever extended the same level of grace, love, and radical acceptance to myself. Perhaps it was harder for me to include myself in this because I have been emulating something that I wished to see, rather than something that I've ever actually experienced consistently. But it's changed everything for me to strive to simply let go of completely unnecessary guilt, to try harder to see and accept people and situations for what they are, to learn to better accept uncertainty and uncomfortableness as inextricable aspects of life, and to start trying to give myself the same grace I find it so easy to extend to other people.
All that said, 2025 fucking blows, and I'm absolutely going to be blasting "Good Riddance" by Green Day soon 😼😽😽 And obviously "Thriving" by Upsahl 😘💅😼💖✨💖✨💖 {Bestie, this is absolutely not an appropriate song for you or your small children 💀🥰😘😋😜}
There have been so many days this year where I couldn't get myself to eat, or sleep, where I could barely breathe, where I felt genuinely surprised to wake up alive, because everything was falling apart both around and inside of me, like twin implosions and explosions, somehow implausibly happening at the exact same time. There have been so many times this year where I literally had no good news to share, no 🚛📦✨Unhinged Meme Deliveries✨📦🚛, no nearby available Besties to turn to and indulge in a moment of vulnerability with in person, and no physically present support system to speak of at all. So much of this curséd year has felt long and lonely, just endless ongoing misery with no end in sight, and this shit isn't even over yet (!?!?!?!?!???!!!!????!????).
I literally would not still be breathing without the love and support of my beloved besterolis {like ravioli, but tastier because it's more fun 😜} [FTC: THIS BLOG DOES NOT ENDORSE CANNIBALISM, JUST UNHINGED JOKES AND AN UNDYING LOVE OF PASTA {that is unfortunately not sponsored :/}] and their endless love and support and grace, all of which led to me wanting to finally extend those same blessings to myself, which I never would've tried without your encouragement and support- so thank you for just being there, even when it was "just" supportive, loving texts from across county lines and continents, and endless Taylor and cutesy encouragement videos; for being accepting of my endless barrage of unhinged jokes and allegedly excessive emoji usage, for literally saving my clueless ass when I needed help with the pilot light and HVAC system, for just existing exactly as you are in my life- 😘✨thaaaanaank yooooouuuu✨😘, because I really needed it, and I truly do just entirely loveth you immensely, forever and ever 😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘💖😘
Almost everything this year has been so endlessly fraught and fragile, and my response to all of it has been the same as always- to starve myself in response to life happening to me. And things have been so bad that I've been barely conscious, barely breathing, barely coherent in rambling texts and hoarse voice notes. So my blog quietly took a back burner to everything else- not because I didn't want to post anymore, but because there were much more pressing issues to attend to that I still don't talk about outside of the safety and support of the circle of safety of my innermost 😽💖🫶🏾✨BESTEROLIS✨🫶🏾💖😽, who mayhaps had the misfortune and mixed blessing of becoming 💖🍝✨BESTEROLIS✨🍝💖 with me in the first place. No one will ever love you more enthusiastically, or be more hesitant to share my burdens with you than me, and I am so, so sorry that I'm like this, instead of being a normal friend who posts consistently and believes that mornings are real (SPOILER: THEY ARE NOT).
More to come for sure- I just have no exact, dialed down idea of when, because there's a lot going on, and it's extremely difficult to bother to keep trying in the midst of all of it. But to whoever is here still reading my blog, 💖😽✨THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE TODAY✨😽💖!!!! In the meantime, you can subscribe for updates, or just text or DM me that you'd like a link to my next blog post when it goes live {eventually 😘}. {"Eventually" is probably sometime in the next two weeks max, babes 😘}
No comments:
Post a Comment